Saturday, July 10, 2010

The United Colors of Germany

Way back in the 1920s, 30s and 40s, a man standing 5'8"tall and armed with a toothbrush moustache started a political party that apart from many stupid things also believed in the racial purity of his countrymen. So committed was he to this ideology that, legend has it, he was a little miffed with the podium finishes in the 1936 Berlin Olympics and refused to acknowledge the winners of that second-class race.

Recently, I took out my planchette kit and summoned his soul to talk about his country's performance in the FIFA World cup of 2010. The following is a Q & A with the Fuehrer himself, the only published interview with a dead man's soul ever. In this regard I seem to have surpassed the TIME magazine's interview with Paul, the soothsayer. The following are excerpts of our conversation:

Me: Fuehrer, Thanks for dropping by, it was quite an effort to get you here. How are ... [cutoff]
Fuehrer: Are you Aryan ?
Me: Errr, I'm Indian , and I think I'm Dravidian. Apparently, we have two races in India, Aryan and ... [cutoff]
Fuehrer: Good, you're Aryan. So what do you want from me ?
Me: Just a few questions on the performance of your team in the FIFA World Cup 2010
Fuehrer: What performance ? We won it.
Me: But that was 1990 in Italy. This is 2010 and you lost the semis to Spain. Spain meets Holland in the finals now.
Fuehrer: Same difference. Be quick. I need to attend a mass killing now ... [as an afterthought] What we lost to those Moors ?
Me: More Catalans than Moors. Well to start with one of the lead scorers for the team this time was Miroslav Klose. Klose is Polish by birth. Klose himself once stated that the decision to play for the team instead of Poland was not an easy one, and if Polish officials had been faster, he would be playing for Poland now.
Fuehrer: But we invaded Poland in September 1939 ...
Me: The same with Lukas Podolski. He is Polish born and chose to represent the team only when he did not get the chance to represent Poland. Also, Piotr Trochowski is Polish-born as well. Trochowski's mother sent several letters to the Polish Football Association informing it about her talented son and about his willingness to cap for Poland. The Poles were not interested, which disappointed both Trochowski and his mother, and he chose to play for Germany.
Fuehrer: [Rolling eyes] Not the Poles again ...
Me: What about Mesut Oezil. He's a third-generation member of the Turkish community in Germany
Fuehrer: Third generation ... These people multiply rather fast ...
Me: And the team has people of African descent as well. Jerome Boateng is the product of a German mother and a Ghanaian father. Sami Khedira is of partial Tunisian descent as his father is from Tunisia
Fuehrer: [Beaming] but we have Oliver Kahn ...
Me: Ahem .. that was way back in 2002. He didn't play much after that ...
Fuehrer: [Rather pertubed] [on his announcer] Get me Goebbles ... even better, get me Riefenstahl ... I want the final to show our team winning 106-0 against Holland. It should be like Triumph of the will, an epic match
Me: Which brings me to Bastin Schweingsteiger. He has a Dutch great-grandfather
Fuehrer: [almost losing it] Where are my countrymen ?
Me: All of them are Fuehrer. It's a changed world. Look at Cacau. He is Brazilian-born and became a citizen in 2009 having lived and played in Germany for over 8 years
Fuehrer: [fuming] What is this ? A Benetton ad ?
Me:Even better. A sign of everything you stood for being undone
Fuehrer: You @#$%& ... [disappears]


feelfreetoblameme said...

Haha, nice. I see you're a Douglas Adams fan as well. Good influence on being funny, I'm sure. Thanks for the comment on my blog, looking forward to the final tomorrow. Will you be interviewing Franco?

mizarukikazaruiwazaru said...

first timer to your blog..n guess you aren that prolific blogger anymore..was a lovely read and love your pseudonym !!